I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
