Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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