smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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