Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
