I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
