We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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