Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Of course I have a pirate flag
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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