We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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