I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you inspire me to be a worse person
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
