I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
