It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
