I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
