Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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