How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
false alarm. still invincible.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
