he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
