Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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