dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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