Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
