Can Purell be used as lube?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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