I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
