Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
