apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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