How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
