Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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