you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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