did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
