I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
