Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need a beard to bite.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
