Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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