Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's no shave November. This is our time.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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