I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.