Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
