come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
