I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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