I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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