I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
