I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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