Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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