There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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