I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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