I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
