guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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