i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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