Don't make out with my wife yet
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
