You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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