Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
