I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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