She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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