if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
