Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
