6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
