The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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