new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
