Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
