i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
false alarm. still invincible.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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