i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
