I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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