found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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